I’m doing my best to put 2013 in perspective.
I enjoyed my girls, getting older, developing their personalities, trying new things, watching them mature, exploring, traveling together. Sometimes I wish I could stop time in its tracks.
I’ve enjoyed the patient love of my man, while I’ve struggled with being overwhelmed in not one but two new jobs. Long distance relationships come with their own set of blessings and curses. If he could be with me every evening while I collapse into quiet amongst my fluffy pillows, maybe he’d feel like I was actually there for him instead of trying to convey that over the limits of technology.
I lost the last remaining father figure in my life in February when my dad’s dad, my Papa, finally drew his last breath. That loss affected both myself and my daughters who’d grown so close to him. I’ve had other personal struggles and challenges over the year.
And today, on this last day of 2013, my closest, lifelong friend reached out after months of her own struggles and silence to tell me that her battle with breast cancer is coming to an end. It has metastasized. She has only months to live.
Earlier this year, when I found a lump in my breast, the only thing I could think of was how I could ever say goodbye to my children. How could I leave them motherless? I drew in a heavy breath to find out that it was only a cyst. I hugged them tighter and have since that day.
But now my friend has to prepare herself for this. She has to say goodbye to her daughter and son. She is only just now reaching out to say goodbye to me. She is angry at the world. Angry at her body. Angry at the injustice. And angry at her own isolation when she feels so lonely but doesn’t know what to say anymore. No amount of positive thinking is helping.
I’m angry too. And speechless. And stunned. And hurting. I just want to hold her and feel those things with her.
So, I’m ready to say goodbye to 2013 and can only hope that 2014 looks a little brighter.